I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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