so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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