im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We have started to decorate penises.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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