I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
