wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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