we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
