So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
