If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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