overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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