The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
