Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
