How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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