i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
