Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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