I think im going to throw up on grandma
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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