I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
