The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
