You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It all started with a game of naked twister.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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