everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
