Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
