I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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