Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
