Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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