Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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