waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
A bitchslap is in order.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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