I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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