Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
