she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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