Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need a beard to bite.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
