the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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