in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
