The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
