oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
