My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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