dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
