Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Randomize