I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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