Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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