That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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