i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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