Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
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