I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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