i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't want my vagina anymore.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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