I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
