I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
