note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
