so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
