my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
