remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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