ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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