it's not cheating when I paid for it
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
