can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
