We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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