i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
