none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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