Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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