Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize