i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
