I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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