you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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