It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize