I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize