just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
