I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You're like the curious george of whores
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
