I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
