I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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