On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
